“Tell him; pappy says so.”

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“Tell him; pappy says so.””Tell him: pappy says so.”A SpoofBy Gentile———“There will be fits of rage, roundhouse punches thrown without provocation, or, at least very little provocation. Arguing for no reason whatsoever, or, very little reason. Going off half-cocked, plus temper tantrums galore. Do you understand?””How will I know the difference, Doctor? Ever since I found them all hiding, high and mighty, scrunched down in their barn, guarding the Barkley nest egg Nick has been exactly, 100% like you just described, even worse, lots worse. Just last night before he was bitten by that rabid wolf he roundhouse punched me twice and picked my boot once as I tended his rabid bite. And I’m his half brother by a different mother! Doc, I’m desperate for clarity and for some of that laudanum you’re hoarding.” “Oh, so you’re the new bastard I heard tell about? Well, all of Northern California has heard of you. And most of Southern California, right down to Malibu and South Central as well. You’re sixth in the line for the (BB) Barkley Boodle I hear, correct, bastard?””Boy-howdy! My name is Heath, not bastard, sawbones! You think that six month medical degree you have hanging crooked there on that wall means something? It doesn’t. I had more money in my left boot before Nick lifted it than you have in your whole mattress that Nick is now laying on and probably pilfering as we wrangle about this and about that. And I’m entitled to what is rightfully mine. I’ve fought thru the Civil War, the Revolutionary War, the Indian War with Custer at Little Big Horn, plus I’m up for the lead in the “Ballad of Andy Crocker” returning from the bush, and not Audra’s, but, Joey’s, so don’t even start about Audra. She’s as pure as the driven snow in Donner’s Pass. And I’m no longer sixth. I’m fifth. My half-brother Eugene came up missing shortly after I came up declaring.”Doc: edirne escort “Joey’s?” To-him-self.Doc: “Don’t get touchy, bast, I mean Heath. We don’t get much gossip here about unless it comes from The Big Valley. Your family is always up to something; sticking their noses into everybody else’s business, running the whole valley, which you own, like from Northern California right to the tip of Southern California, East to the border of the Cartwright spread, and let me tell you Ben has quite a spread, but, nothing compares to the spread that Miss Victoria Barkley presents, huh, k**? You ever get a peek at that ankle bracelet, maybe carve a knot hole out of an out house, catch a glimpse thru a keyhole, get a look at a “private” family stereo-graph, or, three, huh, k**?”Heath cold-cocked him with a roundhouse left. “Nobody talks about mother like that. Nobody.”The doctor picked himself up, dusted himself off and made it right: “Sorry, Heath. I haven’t been roundhouse punched like that since I’m going to be once I present my bill to your half brother there pilfering thru my mattress. Which reminds me, half/son, if I may be so bold?””Watch it, old timer, I’ve been thru more wars than old glory, but, still just shy of 21-years-old.””I have good news, Heath; I just got a shipment of blue eye shadow in for your mother and I came across your father’s balls the other day during inventory. Let me get the hermetically sealed mayonnaise jar that contains Tom Barkley’s balls. It also has some sealed envelopes inside addressed to some guys named Carson and McMahon. I did your father’s autopsy, God rest his soul. Here.”Heath Barkley, nee bastard wanted to roundhouse punch the doctor again, but, was absolutely flummoxed to be holding the jar that held Tom Barkley’s Balls (TBB).”The hermetical seal sure keeps them fresh, doesn’t it?””Yes, and my father’s escort edirne balls as well.”———“What’s your prognosis, Doc?””Well, if you don’t break the hermetic seal your father’s bal…””No, Doc, my rabies prognosis!””Oh, sorry, legitimate son, there’s a 60-day incubation period for rabies. If you’re still alive after that you’ll mostly likely stay that way, give or take 60 years. That’ll be $5.””$5!?!” In unison.Roundhouses! In unison, then twin cold cocks.———“C’mon, Nick, let’s ride home and tell mother and Audra, Jarrod too and maybe Eugene will be back.”Nick knew that Eugene would never be back. He’d made sure of that. It was one thing to catch the young lad dressing in their sister Audra’s extensive lingerie collection, though, he wasn’t about to compete for said collection, but, it was another thing altogether to have to split that (BB) six ways instead of five ways. He’d had Eugene shanghaied the same day Heath showed up in their barn with their father’s boots. “I’m not going back, Heath. I’m going to find Jenny, my first love, hair of gold, lips like cherries, and that was below her waist if you get my meaning.”Heath got his 1/2 brother’s meaning. He’d watched his 1/2 sister Audra since finding her standing erect among the scrunched Barkley clan that first day in their barn. “No, mother I won’t scrunch down and get my beautiful gown wrinkled!”Oh, yeah, you betcha he got his 1/2 brother’s meaning. He’d carved the knot hole, he’d bored out the key hole, he’d lifted an entire bowl of a****l fat from Silas’ larder. “I get your meaning.” “I’m going to go thru a living Hell for the next 60 days, Heath. Brawling, arguing, taking fits of rage on a thrice daily basis. I don’t want my family seeing me like that, Heath, can you understand how I feel?””You’re always like that, Nick.” To-him-self. He’d had enough round houses, and edirne escort bayan just wanted to get home, take a hot bath and play in his upstairs bedroom with his army guys. And he couldn’t wait to see what Silas had made for their homecoming dinner. Well, his homecoming dinner. “Okay, Nick, I won’t argue with you and try to talk you out of it. I’ll tell everyone back home you had to find yourself. I won’t tell them you have rabies and will be foaming at the mouth like last week when Jarrod, at the dinner table busted your balls about you having to geld that $2,000.00 stallion because he threw you, busted your goober and embarrassed you in front of the entire bunkhouse.””Give me your word, smart ass, I mean bastard, I mean Heath.””You got it, 1/2.”————The End————This spoof is most respectively dedicated to what I heartily believe is the finest episode in “The Big Valley” ABC network run 1965-1969: “Night of the Wolf.”Nick Barkley is bitten by a rabid wolf and does leave home and hearth to suffer and die alone as all people died in that circa when rabies was incurable.Toward the end of the episode Jarrod Barkley implores his brother Heath (who has been keeping track of the 60-day incubation period in a small journal, x’ing out the days) to advise their “lost” son and brother to return to that home-that hearth-that family, so that they may love him…———Jarrod Barkley:”Heath, I’m going to ask you a question and I want a straight answer: You know something about Nick you’re not telling us. What is it?”(Silence)”Heath, you can see what this is doing to us. You can see that’s it’s tearing mother and Audra to pieces.”(Silence) Alright then, can you tell me this: Do you know where Nick is?”———Heath Barkley:”I think so.”———Jarrod Barkley:”Then you give him a message for me: You tell him whatever trouble he’s in his family has the right to share it with him. That it’s our duty to help him if we can and it’s his duty to let us. And he doesn’t have the privilege to change that. Do you understand?You tell him to come on back home. Tell him; pappy say’s so.”———

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