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Freddie hires a Muse to help him write an Anal story.
“Hey, Freddie, how you doin’? Long time no see.”
“Hi, Vinnie, how are you?”
“You wanna go get a beer and catch up on what’s happening in the old neighborhood.”
“Gee, Vinnie, I’d like to but I have an appointment.”
“Appointment? What’d you have a girlfriend on the side?”
“Nah, today is my day to see my Muse.”
“My Muse, she helps me to write.”
“So, you do have a girlfriend on the side.”
“Nah, she’s just a Muse and our relationship is purely professional. I pay her for her time to help me write my stories.”
“Oh, so, what is she like a special kind of hooker for writers?”
“Hooker? No, she’s a Muse, m-u-s-e, she helps me to think and to focus my thoughts. She gives me inspiration with my writing and helps me to write my stories.” I looked at Vinnie staring back at me with a blank expression. “I use her when I am writing a story that I am not too sure about. I use her when I want to write a story about a select topic but do not have enough experience or information to write a story that rings true. You know what they say, write what you know. Well, I need a story about anal sex? And I’ve never had anal sex. So, it is difficult for me to write an anal sex story, which is why I use a muse.” It was obvious that Vinnie had stopped listening to my speech long ago.
“Anal sex, Vinnie, anal sex.”
“You mean that gay shit where they do the Hershey Highway?”
“Nah, you know, like what the Eskimos do out in the in Igloo.”
“Eski who in Iglo what?
“Eskimos, Vinnie. Surely, you know what an Eskimo is, don’t you? They are aboriginal people who inhabit the circumpolar regions of the planet and they live in Igloos, houses made from ice. Eskimos enjoy anal sex in their Igloos.”
“Oh, yeah, that, sure, I know, Eskimos in Igloos, right. They are those people who have those hairy dogs, Huskies, with the dogsleds and they wear those big furry coats that make them look like polar bears.”
“Well, yeah, I guess.”
“So, this Muse, what does she do?”
“Well, she reenacts the scenes of the story that surround the particular theme that is giving me the most trouble. In doing so, she gives me the realism to write and, in that way, I can write what I know because through her help, I have experienced it through reenactment. Most times, it is a fun process. Most times, I leave there with an abundance of material to use to develop my storyline.”
“So, using this anal sex, you mean, you’re gonna fuck her up the ass?”
“No, we just reenact the theme of the story. It’s like a play. It’s all make believe. The reenactment of it gives me fodder for thought.”
“Fodder? Just when I think I get one thing, you give me something else.”
“Fodder is like food for thought, that’s all.”
“Yeah, okay. And this reenact thing, I get it, now. I reenact sexual relations with my wife once a month unless she gets a sudden headache. I think I know what you mean, Freddie, this reenactment stuff, only sometimes, it doesn’t workout so good.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean, Vinnie.”
“So, can I come with you to this here Muse to see for myself what she does? Maybe, I could use a Muse sometime when I am trying to think about somethin’.”
“Like what, Vinnie? What do you ponder?”
“Ponder? I don’t know about ponder. I don’t do none of that stuff, I’m talkin’ about thinkin’ when I struggle with my thoughts, you know.”
“Yes, of course, such as, the ideas that you ponder, er think about that you cannot work your way through it yourself.”
“Such as, should I buy a new Caddy or a new Lincoln? I’ve been pondering about that for a while now. I could use your Muse to reenact that.”
“I’ll tell you what. I’ll tell her about your problem and I’ll give you a call.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“Thanks Freddie. You’re a swell guy.”
“No problem, Vinnie. It’s my pleasure. Oh, and by the way, unless you want a real car like a BMW, buy the Caddy.”
“Buy the Caddy, Vinnie.”
“Hey, I like this Muse thing. See, it works. Now, I ponder no more which car to buy.”
I ran into Vinnie the following week and he bought a new Lincoln.
So, because of my impromptu meeting with Vinnie, I was a few minutes late for my appointment bahis firmaları with my Muse. She had started without me. She charges by the hour regardless if I am there or not.
Today, she had arranged for a supermarket scene as my reenactment for my anal story. I had no idea what a supermarket had to do with an anal story but I figured what the Hell, she has helped me in the past and she can’t always be on target. Still, I gave her the benefit of my doubt and presented myself in the scene reading the script that she wrote as I acted it.
The scene starts with me entering the frozen meat aisle with a loaf of French bread protruding out the front of my shopping cart. An attractive woman, a redhead, in a very short, and very revealing dark green and light green vertically striped mini-skirt standing across from me is leaning over the meat case trying to reach the fresher hamburger buried beneath the packages of meat that have an older date. I catch a quick flash of her panty as she leans over a little too far with her dress a little too short.
A shopper in a hurry to squeeze by me bumps my cart knocking it towards the woman leaning over the meat case. My loaf of French bread bumps her in her ass crack and, as she stands and I pull away, my French bread travels up her mini-skirt and lodges itself between her legs.
“Yeow!” She turns swiping my French bread away from her ass with her hand and looking behind her to see who tried to stick something up her ass.
“Sorry,” I said. “That woman,” I said pointing to an empty aisle, as the woman had already rounded the corner, “bumped my cart sending my French bread right up your ass. Please forgive me.”
The woman stares down at my crotch before focusing on my French bread.
“You need to be more careful with that thing,” she said staring again at my growing erection. I had a sick feeling in my stomach that she thought that I had humped her with my cock. After my French bread nearly impaled her shapely ass, I couldn’t wait to go home and make a sandwich.
I return my attention back to reading the script. Embarrassed, I leave the aisle and head to the hardware section. A flyswatter catches my eye and I lift it off the rack. I decide to try it out. Actually, I have no idea why I tried it out. Flyswatters are fairly foolproof. No one returns a flyswatter because it does not work. Nonetheless, I gave it a good swat, unbeknownst to me, just as the woman in the short mini-skirt passes by my shopping cart.
I hit her on the ass so hard with the flyswatter that it echoed in the store. Matter of fact, I hit her ass so hard that her skirt lifted with the wind of the swat exposing her panties. Then, somehow the flyswatter’s price tag caught itself on the hem of her mini-skirt and as I tried to retrieve the flyswatter, I accidentally pulled her skirt up with the flyswatter. When I realized that her mini-skirt was above her waist giving me a clear view of her white, bikini panty, I dropped the flyswatter. I watched as the flyswatter dangled precariously from the hem of her skirt. She had to lift her hem to undo the fly swatter.
“You could turn around,” she said giving me a dirty look, “at the very least, instead of staring at my panty.”
“Sorry,” I said turning around and facing a mirrored display of sunglasses, which gave me a perfect view of her with her skirt lifted waist high, as she untangled the flyswatter. I was transfixed watching her remove the flyswatter. I could not help but watch her. It was so hot to see this voluptuous redhead standing behind me with her skirt raised to her waist and her panty exposed for my viewing pleasure.
“Did you plan this just so you could get a good look at my panty?” She said looking at me watching her in the mirror.
“No, no, not at all. Oh, God, no. I’m so sorry.”
Immediately, my face turned red. I was so embarrassed. What could I possibly say to this poor woman? First, I impaled her with my French bread, which she thought I humped her with my cock, and then I swatted her ass with my flyswatter lifting her skirt and exposing her panty, and now I stared at her bikini panty, as she untangled the flyswatter from her skirt. What the Hell is wrong with me?
I decided to return to the fruit and vegetable section. I figured that way this woman would be on the other side of the store shopping while I was as kaçak iddaa far away from her as I could get in this huge supermarket. After these embarrassing incidences, I did not want to be near her.
“Today, we are having a special sale on watermelons. For the next hour, all of our watermelons are half price,” crackled a voice over the loudspeaker.
Hey, this is great, watermelons on sale. I walked by them before without even looking at them because there was no way that I was paying almost six bucks for a watermelon. I remember when I was a kid; watermelons were one of the cheapest foods you could buy, a few cents a pound. Not now, that is, until today.
I found the section of watermelons and took my time picking one out. I pride myself in knowing how to select the perfect watermelon. I feel them, smell them, and then shake them. So, there I was feeling, smelling, and shaking watermelons searching for the best watermelon to bring home with me.
Only, along comes (insert name it reads on the script). I see from here on my script that my Muse wants me to adlib. I guess she figures that she has given me enough inspiration. Now, it is up to me to write the rest of this story. Let’s see. Okay, oh, yeah, I know.
So, there I am feeling, smelling, and shaking watermelons when lo and behold along comes, who else, Vinnie.
“Hey, Freddie, I thought you were going to see your Muse.”
“I was, I mean, I did already, now I’m shopping for watermelons. They just announced that they are on sale, half price, so long as you buy it within the hour.”
So, there I was distracted talking to Vinnie while mindlessly feeling, smelling, and shaking watermelons when all of a sudden, this woman, yeah, the one with the French bread, the flyswatter, the mini-skirt, the bikini panty, and the mirrored display, suddenly, slaps me across the face.
The slap shocked me. I looked down and I had been feeling, smelling, and shaking her ass instead of a watermelon. I mean, her mini-skirt was the same color and striped design of a watermelon.
“Is that your Muse? Is this a reenactment? Are you reenacting?”
“No, Vinnie, she is not my Muse, this is not a reenactment, and I am not reenacting. I don’t even know the woman.”
“Don’t know the woman? Then, I don’t think you should have been feeling, smelling, and shaking her ass like that.”
I was so upset that I left my shopping cart filled with groceries in the store and went out to my car. My hands were shaking. I can’t believe this woman slapped me in public and called me pervert. I mean, everyone in the entire store turned around and leered at me. Even dimwitted Vinnie thinks that I am a pervert. Now, I can never go to that store again and they are the only store that carries my cinnamon and sugar character man, you know, the one in the plastic bottle in the shape of a teddy bear or a dog. Oh, never mind.
Anyway, I was so upset that I dropped my car keys. Fortunately, I spotted them just beneath my car bumper. When, I bent down to retrieve them and stood back up, my ass bumped and rubbed the ass of, yeah, of course, wouldn’t you know it, that same woman. Hey, I couldn’t make this shit up even if I wrote it myself.
“Listen,” she said. “I know you are not a pervert and I apologize for slapping across your face in the store and calling you a pervert.”
Well, that confession made me feel a little better.
“Thank you,” I said. “It was just—”
“Are you anal?”
“Pardon? Anal? No, I’m not a Virgo, I’m a Leo the Lion.”
“Oh, so you are a comedian, too. Anal,” she said, again. “Are you, you know, looking for some ass play? Are you looking for anal sex?”
“Anal sex? With you? Oh, dear God, no.”
Suddenly, she got this look on her face like I had just slapped her across her face.
“Oh, I didn’t mean that in the way that it sounded. I’m just not into anal sex. I’ve never had anal sex but if there is anyone who I would love to bone up the ass with my loaf of French bread, it is you.”
“Well, thank you,” she said batting her eyelashes at me. “And I would love to have you bone me up my ass with,” she looked down at the impression my sub roll made in my pants, “your big boner.”
“Only, I have a girlfriend and I don’t think she would appreciate it if I cheated on her and had anal sex with you. Trust me, as much as I would love to lift kaçak bahis up your mini-skirt, pull down your white, bikini panty, bend you over your car, and give it to you good up the backside, I cannot be unfaithful to my girlfriend.”
“Oh, Honey, move out of the dark ages. Anal sex is not considered cheating? Sweetheart, anal sex is not even considered sex.”
“Truly. Anal sex is on par with blowjobs and handjobs. It is perfectly okay for a woman to give a man a handjob and/or a blowjob, so long as the man does not cum and repays her the favor and responds in kind by giving the woman anal sex.”
“No kidding. I never knew that. All this time, I would have loved getting a handjob and/or a blowjob from a hot woman, especially if all that I had to do, not to make it a non-cheating affair, was not to cum off and to bone her up the ass.”
“See, all this time, you’ve been missing out, Sugar.”
She walked over to me wiggling her ass and I caressed her round backside with my hand.
“Is there a sexual rule book with all of this non-sexual information?”
“Yes, there is.”
“Where can I get a copy?”
“Well, the only copy that I know that exist is in the Clinton Library. It is displayed with his cigar and Monica Lewinsky’s blue, stained dress.”
“Interesting,” I said suddenly getting excited at the thought that this very sexy siren would willingly give me a handjob and/or a blowjob so long as I fucked her up the ass. “Where can we do this?”
“Well, we can go to my car. I have a four door.” She looked at me. “Which would you like a handjob or a blowjob?”
“I’d like both if you don’t mind. I mean you could start off giving me a handjob and finish me off with a blowjob.”
She took me in the back seat of her car, unzipped my fly, pulled out my cock, and started stroking me. I could not believe this hot redhead was giving me a handjob. Her hand felt so good around my cock. Then, she took me in her mouth. She was giving me an incredible blowjob. Between the handjob and the blowjob, I did not care that I did not do the food shopping, as my girlfriend had asked me to do. Oh, my God, it took everything that I had not to cum in her mouth. But, rules are rules and she told me that I could not cum, otherwise it would be considered sex and considered cheating.
In order not to cum, I thought of the Red Sox losing the pennant race to the Yankees. Thinking about that dire scenario was enough to nearly make me lose my erection.
Now, to complete this transaction, I lifted her mini-skirt, and pulled down and removed her panty. I first inserted my finger in her ass and then stuck my finger in my mouth to wet it so that I could lube up her asshole. Boy that was a mistake. I should have stuck my finger in my mouth first before I stuck it up her ass. I need to remember that in the future. Then, I inserted my cock deep inside her ass and started humping her like the dog that I am.
We were going at it like dogs in heat. I was really slamming her head against the car door and the car was shaking and dancing on its shocks. I have to admit, I was missing out with this anal sex shit because this wasn’t so bad fucking a woman up the ass, especially one as hot as she was. Truth be told, I was having a good time fucking her up the ass.
“Freddie! What the Hell are you doing? Freddie!”
There standing outside her car window was my girlfriend. She had seen my car parked next to this woman’s car, God, I didn’t even ask her name, and saw me boning her up the ass in the back seat of her car.
“It’s okay, Honey,” I said waving to her with a smile, “I’m just fucking her up the ass. This is not cheating. This isn’t even sex.” I winked at her. “She already gave me a handjob and a blowjob but, under the Clinton handbook of sexual etiquette, I did not cum.”
Quickly, I pulled my cock out of her ass, pulled up my pants, and stepped out of the car to give my girlfriend a kiss and a hug. She kicked me hard in the balls.
“Don’t worry, Honey,” she said. “Per Hillary Clinton’s book of sexual revenge, you won’t be able to have sex for a while.”
Apparently, she knew nothing about anal sex not being sex at all. Apparently, she is living in the dark ages. As soon as I can walk, once I regain my voice, right now it is higher than Michael Jackson’s, and once my balls fall back down to where they were, I plan on explaining the facts of life to her. Only, I think, before I talk to her about anal sex, I’m going to invest in a steel cup.
I keep trying but I’m just not having any luck with this anal sex.
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